brokenhearted

Especially at work. 

And it's happening the same time of the year as the Candice thing. 

I love her. I am still in love with her. 

I think we both know that wasn't great but it was so good. 

My relationship with her felt like gently rubbing noses, breathing slowly as if you might forget. The warmth of our skin floating between us, lips briefly meeting ever so slightly. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

newly alone and probably forever

Candice and I are never gonna happen.  She's never gonna leave Ashley and she hates me. And my mother has started being petty.  It's just me, by myself. And I know I have friends and stuff I may never have love.  Candice was the closest I've ever gotten and she was never even mine.  Now she has me, the mistake, running around and... Ugh. I'm an idiot.  I'm an idiot.  ~ She wanted me gone and made it happen and then I wouldn't leave her alone.  And I doubt anyone actually believes anything happened between us.   And my mother wanted me gone and she got what she wanted.  ~ I small part of my wants to not drive home and cry all day but I know I need to see my friend.  ~ She broke brain and my heart and doesn't have a single shit. No remorse. No apology. 
Read more

regulated emotions

I think I've balanced back out.  I think Candice really did care a lot about me. If she didn't, she would have given up when it was easy. She just really wanted me around.  I reread the mean email I sent her after I read the Borderline chapter in Whole Again and the author describes their experience the same why I called her out. So I felt a bit worse but also justified in the statements I made.  I love her and I'll probably always love her, but she doesn't love herself. She may not even know who she really it.  So no relationship she has will ever be successful, not even if it was one with me because she's not getting the help she needs.  And I fully understand how bad people with Borderline have it. It sounds like cPTSD on crack to be honest and I don't know if I cool even function that way.  So I somehow love her even more and I wish she at least gets to find genuine joy, even in moments that she's like "activated". (There's some term the au...
Read more

huh

I overslept a little to get some extra sleep lol. I thought I was gonna be late but then I remembered they may change the time. So I reached out to Andrea to check and she responded and said the time is the same. Then my phone froze and I missed my turn and the turn I took was blocked off for IDK why. So I safely jetted this way after turning around, she said the time is the same. No one is here. No one. I'm the first one parked. It's 11 minutes passed time, so I'm just gonna go walk I guess and then go home.  And I left my headphones.  ~ It's Tuesday and I'm back because I forgot to update this. I forgot I'd changed my calendar to be 8 am because we thought it was gonna be hot.  I saw them as I was leaving because it was cold and the regular time is 9 not 8. But I was half asleep and didn't put that together lol. 
Read more