keep looking

I really don't want to stay where I'm not appreciated and/or protected. And, to be honest with myself, my determination is not wanted here. 

I really would love to find another job that pays me the same or more and cherishes the role I play in their company.

And I want to do my job and go home.

I'm trying not to rush myself, but I feel trapped.  

~

Same goes with Candice.

I'm in love with her but I'm gonna keep moving forward. Candice knows how I feel but even if she didn't read that message, she can reach out if she at least wants to reconcile.

I can't be and wait and do all these things.

It's why I abruptly quit the gym. But I can't abruptly quit my job.

Which reminds me-- my fucking sister also found not a job for me, never even asked for my resume for her head hunter friend.

I'm off that. 

~

I have been consistently pulling my hair today and last night.

Andrea texted in sick this morning.

And be results of me giving her her job back-- less fun than dealing with Whitney.

My job is cut out for me before I go.  

I also wonder more and more if Jan recognizes the unequal distribution of work as well as the smarts of it all.

AND I know Colin sees it because on top of however things went when I was out for "Camp" lol, I saw an email come in from him today where Andrea emailed him ON THE THIRD the new holiday message that came in on the 2nd so he could change it for the 4th. 

I purposefully did not do that because 

1. I didn't have time to review it and

2. It was too close to the next holiday for me to confidently request that change and I'd already confirmed the placeholder greeting was set at every office 

And guess what Colin said????

He asked if Andrea had listened to the greeting he sent him because it had a very apparent glitch in the recording.

I went back when I had time and not only did she not listen to the greeting, she never even emailed Scott to let him know if the Greeting was good to go.

And she just forwarded to Colin without review because I don't fucking know. 

Colin is not required to listen to what we send him but I know WHY he did, because we work the same way-- if he uploaded a shitty recording, he'd have to go in and take it down and reupload it times 8. 

I'm starting to think Andrea rarely double-checks anything.

This is yet another time where checking herself would have alleviated problems.

Anyways, at the rate in which I was pulling my hair, I fucking KNEW I needed to journal. 

I'm really pent up and have been since realizing Candice still might not choose me AND my car shit. 

~

I'm high, watching Season 2 of Such Brave Girls and ohmygah.

Ohmygah I had an actual affair. 

I was the girl Candice chose to cheat with 

AND WE WEREN'T EVEN FUCKING. 

~

Am I an idiot? 

Am I never meant to be "the girl she chose"?

What if I am only meant to be the girl that came between her and her girlfriend?

~

I get so worked up at night now.  Fuck. 

~

I love her bad, ohmygah.

And I KNOW she's interested in me because I drew the line in the same and she went out of her way to cross it. 

I hope she reaches out to me because FUCK ohmygah lolol