discouraged

I don't know that I ever want to be in love again.

I chose to sacrifice my safe space for someone who couldn't even give me space no matter how much I begged. 

And I love her. 

And she'd rather abandon me, exile me, move in with her girlfriend, and pretend nothing happened than take a second to consider me.

That guy that hit on me? Never heard from him. 

What the fuck is it? What is it about me that eeeeeeeeveryone loves me and people seem to be attracted to me but no one wants to be on love with me. 

Although I would choose to be alone forever before I'd choose to be with just anyone, I don't think I even have a choice in the matter.

Everyone wants me until I don't know what.

I'm just really sad and although I no longer feel stuck to Candice, and I logically understand what may have happened, I still feel like her garbage. 

She threw me away and never looked back. 

She'd prefer to posture and pretend to doing any real work. 

Or maybe she never felt anything real from me.

And if I can feel like that and I can think she felt the same, and I'm the only one crushed, I don't want to do that. 

What's the point of finding anyone if no one really wants what you have to offer?

Romantically, I feel like people just want me around to use.

~

This comes from going to the Arts thing this weekend with the Most Sundays group from the gym. 

That morning I talked to Andrea about working out again and how I'd done the Halloween thing with Laura one year and it was so early and miserable. And Andrea brought up Candice and how those are pretty new. 

Then Laura was really chatty while she ran with me, which was odd lol but ok.

Then we did the Arts Fest together and we saw the Bubble Bus that does gym events. And then we ran into the owner and he knows all of them BUT me. Then we ran into Natalie, who I'd met because her and her husband were from Louisiana and they stopped and talked to her. She quit because she was friends with Libbys ex husband but I think she recognized me. 

And then I got lost and I thought they'd left me but I stuck with it and they found me and were relieved. 

Then....ANDREA KEEPS COMING IN EARLY AND NOT ANNOUNCING HERSELF which feels like an invasion of privacy.

Anyways all of that triggered me being upset.

~

Did I also try masturbating to fantasies of us making amends this morning? Yes.

Did it work? Not really, no. I had to force it. 

And then I looked at one of my post analytics and there are no non-followers which means she's definitely not creeping on my page.

I just feel dumb to be here on my own. 

And what was the first thing Andrea said to me? "Oh you look cute, and your hair looks really good like that"

Eyeroll. Eyeroll. Eyeroll. 

And that's why I don't believe people when they say that or when they speak highly of me because if I did, what the fuck is the problem?

~

My worst fear is a rational one: my row with her could be the very thing that makes her relationship better. 

I know that's still a choice the two of them have to make but it would nearly kill me. 

~

I went to unblock my boss's ex-wife on my therapy page and then went to add Candice.

But I can't. Because she's already blocked me.

Aaaaaaaaaaand ouch. That fucking hurts. 

~

I am the last thing on her mind, she has fully rejected me, and that does not make any of this easier. 

It just hurts more. 

~

I also fear that either Candice or her girlfriend or both of them are not only dismissive to my experience to make me look like a liar, they are mean about it. 

"She's fat. She's ugly. She's imagining things. Nothing unprofessional happened, would we still be together of it did? She has mental health issues and that's why she thinks that happened. She's mistaken. She knew my girlfriend was moving here and ran off. She was embarrassed about getting attached and quit."

I hate this. I hate it. I really hate these feelings. I hate the fact that my fears might be true. 

~

This is my codependency issue. 

I feel like I got blindsided because I didn't thinking Candice would be what she was. 

I knew this could go south, I knew the risks, but I thought I could trust her to fuck up and do better.

I'm used to being used up and discarded, picked up to be used again and discarded. 

I'm used to being a stepping stool for people I believe I'm in situations with, working together, only for them to blindside me with no remorse and leave me where they found me as if I don't matter.

Her hurt, hurts my everything else, especially because I never thought she would hurt me so badly and then discard me just like everyone else.