seems harder

Knowing Candice is single is harder than knowing she's in a relationship. 

Because I feel like the fear and worry of not being chosen has more validity. 

I've told myself I'm gonna keep doing what I was doing when she was in a relationship because although a part of me has always wanted to wait for her, a larger part of me understands that's not fair to me.

So I'm gonna keep building the life I want and let those who want to be in my life have a shot. 

~

Me and Lacey starting watching Sex and the City (I found out she hadn't seen it and asked if she wanted to watch together when she moved)

First of all, they were FUCKING. I have no fucking game ohmygah.

NUMBER TWO

What if my love for Candice is just normal attraction? What if I would feel that way with everyone if I pursued people who pursued me?

What if my love for her was just attraction?

There's only one way to know and I'm scared I never will. 

~

If Candice doesn't feel the way I feel, I'm gonna feel so fucking dumb. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

newly alone and probably forever

Candice and I are never gonna happen.  She's never gonna leave Ashley and she hates me. And my mother has started being petty.  It's just me, by myself. And I know I have friends and stuff I may never have love.  Candice was the closest I've ever gotten and she was never even mine.  Now she has me, the mistake, running around and... Ugh. I'm an idiot.  I'm an idiot.  ~ She wanted me gone and made it happen and then I wouldn't leave her alone.  And I doubt anyone actually believes anything happened between us.   And my mother wanted me gone and she got what she wanted.  ~ I small part of my wants to not drive home and cry all day but I know I need to see my friend.  ~ She broke brain and my heart and doesn't have a single shit. No remorse. No apology. 
Read more

regulated emotions

I think I've balanced back out.  I think Candice really did care a lot about me. If she didn't, she would have given up when it was easy. She just really wanted me around.  I reread the mean email I sent her after I read the Borderline chapter in Whole Again and the author describes their experience the same why I called her out. So I felt a bit worse but also justified in the statements I made.  I love her and I'll probably always love her, but she doesn't love herself. She may not even know who she really it.  So no relationship she has will ever be successful, not even if it was one with me because she's not getting the help she needs.  And I fully understand how bad people with Borderline have it. It sounds like cPTSD on crack to be honest and I don't know if I cool even function that way.  So I somehow love her even more and I wish she at least gets to find genuine joy, even in moments that she's like "activated". (There's some term the au...
Read more

growth

I am drunk.  I still love Candice. She's definitely still trapped in her relationship (but that's her choice).  I told Lacey , Camille and Kaylin about Candice crying in front of her girlfriend and her girlfriend laughing at her because they were rightfully shitting on her and saying that she was obviously into me, given their personal experience. I love her.  And I love my friends.  So much.  I'm really trying and my efforts are showing.  I wish Candice wanted and worked towards more for herself.  Kaylin and Mia invited her to play soccer and that made me happy. She said they'd have to ask "the boss" aka her girlfriend if she could play soccer. And when Kaylin told her they made special arrangements for her to join them, she was shocked. And Kaylin was shocked that she was shocked. And I was like yeah, no. That's Candice . Did she do a shitty thing? Yes. But she's paid her penance and she's trapped in her own life. And I told them that.  I also t...
Read more