doubt

I'm also back in a state of doubt, uncertainty, anxiety, stress, and overthinking. 

I understand that gym members don't know Candice but my friends think she's weird, manipulative, etc.

They don't have much to say about her but at the same time, they do.

And I know she's been invited into several friend groups and not stayed but idk why. 

And yesterday Laura told me "Ashley has won Andrea over" and I literally said I feel like that's why Candice put that statement out there. 

And then she said one of their pictures was one of them hugging the other from behind. 

And that upset me. I don't like seeing them together so to envision that was disrupting.

I feel crazy again. Like I'm trying too hard or being stupid. 

So I'm very dysregulated at the moment.

I no longer want to listen to relationship podcast episodes, romance books, sex music etc.

I just feel depleted. 

~

And now I'm crying. 

I think I may lose some more friends behind all of this because I feel crazy. 

I don't know how relationships work on either front and I know Malaina told me to trust my body.....

I'm gonna try to trust my body. My brain just is not happy and my heart is broken and confused.

Because I figured Candice's post was just fodder, but what if it's real. 

What if she does plan to keep a strong friendship, visit Ashley often, and then date again and get married?

What if she proposes tomorrow?

Why did my brain go there? Because after talking to Dylan about Candice, she said if she does have BPD, they love breaking up and getting back together.

And I know that's from her personal experience and she just wants to protect me, same as my friends, but it is so not helpful in a way.

It's not that I don't want the truth. They're echoing my worst nightmares to my face. 

~

I'm still spiraling a little because I'm jealous that Candice has YET ANOTHER "CLEAN BREAK" with someone and she couldn't give that to me.

More doubt is creeping in. 

~

I'm gonna keep putting myself out there and if Candice decides to pop up, she decides to pop up. 

Nothing has changed for me. I'm still in the same place. 

Because what is she gonna even post to push all that crap down her page??? How long is her friendship going to last?? Is that something I can even deal with if I had the choice???

~

AND I'm still blocked. 

I don't think she's circling the block with me.

~

And Instagram just spoiled The Ultimatum for me.

There is a girl this season that reminds me of Candice, more than last season.

She came in with a toxic partner, this time actually fell in love and in rhythm with a healthier partner who mirrored her, and even though she told this other girl she loved her and felt safe to be herself and aaaaaaall these things, including telling her ex off for treating her poorly, getting MATCHING TATTOOS WITH A FUCKING STRANGER WHEN THEY PROMISED EACH OTHER THEYD DO THAT TOGETHER, she apparently went back with her original partner.

.....there's no hope for me in this moment.

None. 

~

And my period is ending today. It started Saturday.

I've never wanted to not touch myself more. 

~

As if it was not apparent enough, I'm struggling bad. 

~

I wanna cry. I wanna go home. My car made a noise this morning I've never heard.

I wanna curl up on my couch and cry and watch The Ultimatum to break my heart and feel hopeless but love doesn't fucking matter.

~

My engine is smoking and I'm not sure why. 

I was doing SO FUCKING GOOD. 

I swear it seems like every time my emotions get wacky, my car flips the fuck out. 

I did the math and I checked my W4 in case I have to get a new car.

I can afford it. So I went ahead and reduced my extra withholdings to be safe. 

I know I've yet to face a challenge I couldn't handle in some way or another. I just don't like them.

I don't like feeling like my safety is at risk.

That's why car issues make me cry and stress. 

And that's honestly why I get really upset behind Candice. Because she made me feel safe and I don't know if I'll ever get that from her or anyone else.

So this evening is for crying.

I wanted to take off work tomorrow to cry so I guess I can still do that since I took off to go to the car shop.

I feel like I smell like car issues smell.

~

Maybe Candice did manipulate me. 

~

I don't like this. 

I thought about suicide today. It wasn't the first time and I never really talk about it because I never know how to feel about it.

I feel like my tone is confusing. I have never felt worried about going through with it so I never know how concerned I should be. 

But today, I sarcastically thought "car stuff sucks, I don't like the stress, I don't want to deal with it, I could go buy a gun today" 

And I thought about what it would like to go to the store and say "I would like one gun please", take it home, put it in my mouth. I thought about the texture, the taste. 

And it felt silly. And I didn't want to shoot myself because it sounds terrifying. Imagining it was scary. 

But I do understand I like punishing myself.

Hair pulling is apparently a type of pain stimming.

And the more I thought about it, the more I thought about how I used to and some still punish myself by going to bed hungry sometimes, going on Candice's Instagram profile, rereading those emails, etc etc

~

These edibles really fucking work. I can't even make myself upset or worried right now. Even a few hours of relief is so fucking nice.

And Candice & me ARE Magan & Haley on The Ultimatum. THAT'S what happened to me last year. 

We feel in love, she kept pretending like nothing was happening after I told her I liked her, I kept telling her we needed to stop and she wouldn't. 

I emailed her that we needed to stop and it was the first time she ever outright took a stance on how she felt. 

And it shattered me. 

And I made that review and she responded as if she was sorry but still professionally-coded because "nothing happened"

And I confessed my feelings to her and walked away. 

And I still question whether or not it was all real. 

She did fall in love with me. 

~

And when Haley told Magan she did not want to be in her life anymore, Magan looked like her heart was ripped out of her chest. She looked like she wanted to fucking die. 

~

 Ok. I am worried about the car a little bit still. But I have towing. I'm pretty sure. 

~

I was also gonna make myself go to bed hungry. I think me from earlier took care of me now and the most stubborn way: I took a burger out the fridge to come to room temp so it microwaves quicker lolol AND I'd have to eat it so it doesn't go bad.