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drama triangle

I want off this ride. Andrea had ONE half ass conversation with Whitney who did EXACTLY what I said she'd do (posture) and she's all "I feel like this will be great. She admitted she knows she tends to overstep, and" blah blah fuck my life. She is so idealistic because she's conflict avoidant. And she keeps bringing up this "I just want us to be able to work together, no matter the personalities" Yes. You mean the same thing I have ALWAYS said. 

brokenhearted pt 2

I don't think she'll ever truly choose herself.  And I'm starting to think the only reason she truly went to therapy was because her gym and her life were falling apart.  And more and more I'm starting to believe she believes whatever lie about me she's selling or telling.  And while I love her and would love to love her.  I don't think she loves me nor do I think she'd ever want to really. She just wanted me however she could get me. Then she disregarded me as if it was like breathing. She'll never come out of hiding and I don't know that it's best for me if she does. Because she seems more comfortable and fine with where she's at. She's a coach. She's a gym owner. She's a girlfriend. She's a dog mom.  But she's not herself.  ~ I've been struggling since Friday with going to her page. I made the choice to go today.  Absolutely nothing about her life has seemed to change over the past year.  It's sad and it sucks. ...

brokenhearted

Especially at work.  And it's happening the same time of the year as the Candice thing.  I love her. I am still in love with her.  I think we both know that wasn't great but it was so good.  My relationship with her felt like gently rubbing noses, breathing slowly as if you might forget. The warmth of our skin floating between us, lips briefly meeting ever so slightly. 

emdr sharing

I told my therapist about my work struggles and the different dynamics, etc and she fully understands it all.  How confusing, shitty, sometimes nice, often convoluted, etc etc etc everything is. And she had the same conclusion as me in regards to my department with Andrea. She said two things that stick out. After I explained the dynamic in my department she said, "It sounds to me like you're doing the brunt of the work and taken on some of her role as well" and I said "yes". And later on she said "well, I was going to say you can support her in her attempts to do her job but that's not your job. It's hers"  For context sake, she's referring to me helping her in aspects that are solely her job that she takes full credit for and I should not be doing.  Because I said later on that "I was doing that and I got irritated because I cannot have another codependent relationship" and she said "yes! It sounds like you are looking at t...

skressed (and a little blessed)

Andrea is back and irritated that Tatum quit.  And fair. But she did not share that there was anything other than irritation there which concerns me. Because I was irritated and felt abandoned but I get it. My only concern is that her baby daddy is trying to drag her back to the country or that he's illequipped and ill-prepared. Or that she doesn't have a daycare and that's how Jaycee got let go. 

fuck

Fuck everything.  I cannot wait to be at Book Club. I cannot wait to sit on my car and just I need a break, a better working environment, better ACTUAL recognition. I'm fucking exhausted mentally and I feel like this job is an extension of my fucked up family dynamic.  Just like Candice, just like Brea, just like Andrea.  I am unwell and just trying to keep my head on straight and now the Internet is down and I have SO MUCH SHIT TO DO.  ~ Our Internet is still down. FML 

freaking out

I can't write. I'm crying and freaking out.  I'm sitting on my bathroom floor crying.  I deserve better than I have. I want more.  ~ I can't write what I feel because it nak

stressed bad

I have been stressed since Thursday night.   Saturday was okay cuz I have to Hibachi for Lacey's birthday heard her triplet sisters. Her and one of her triplet sisters. But I've been stressing Thursday I had so much s*** to do that week arguing with Whitney all f****** day she's been getting on my nerves and going up my ass and it's been pissing me off to have to talk down and push away a grown ass woman. And I knew I had all that stuff to do that weekend so I've been stressed up until that point. Cuz I didn't know what my routine was going to look like and my schedule is going to look everyday so I was worried every day. And then cabbie cried a lot and then she would fall asleep and then she would want and then she want to play but then she didn't want to play and Nola was scared of her and it was a whole thing. I will say I didn't watch a really good movie called not my fault London or something like that real sexy real cute real steamy romance type de...

discouraged

I don't know that I ever want to be in love again. I chose to sacrifice my safe space for someone who couldn't even give me space no matter how much I begged.  And I love her.  And she'd rather abandon me, exile me, move in with her girlfriend, and pretend nothing happened than take a second to consider me. That guy that hit on me? Never heard from him.  What the fuck is it? What is it about me that eeeeeeeeveryone loves me and people seem to be attracted to me but no one wants to be on love with me.  Although I would choose to be alone forever before I'd choose to be with just anyone, I don't think I even have a choice in the matter. Everyone wants me until I don't know what. I'm just really sad and although I no longer feel stuck to Candice, and I logically understand what may have happened, I still feel like her garbage.  She threw me away and never looked back.  She'd prefer to posture and pretend to doing any real work.  Or maybe she never felt an...