what living looks like

It's official-- publicly.  Candice said they broke up because they basically want different things outta life. Ashley's always wanted to move away and Candice doesn't share that desire. At least not right now. I found out because Kaylin made a group with me and Lacey and texted us. I missed it completely until Lacey said "____! Did you see the text?" ~ I'm high now.  She also said they'll "maintain a strong friendship".... .....is it that publicity or real? When I was sober and didn't read into that part, I immediately thought the way she worded it, made it seem like the entire post was more for everyone and not for them.  Now I'm second guessing that a little.  ~ I can't believe they actually broke up.  I'm a little in shock.  ~ Laura just texted me about Candice too. It's not crazy but I forget how many people have been in disbelief up until now.  She also led with the fact that she also doesn't think the statement was f...

My life has changed tremendously.  I am so happy.  Sarah Caty asked me where I was sleeping tonight. I swear she's a little gay and that's fine 

Okay. So I did not want to write the no no no no okay wait I can do this lol. I did not want to have a talk with Andrea. I figure with everything happening in my attitude change and personality change and her being standoffish cuz she doesn't like conflict I was like f*** it I'm tired of catering everybody's needs I'm not going to have this conversation I'm not going to worry about it I'm not going to pressure myself around it. And then I wrote The Purge even though I wasn't going to ride it cuz I was like f*** is f*** this I don't think it's going to help what if it just makes things worse what if I get so worked up and now I'm just mad and I can't really put decent words on paper I don't think it's going to be beneficial it's going to probably be more harmful than it is good. It turns out it was very helpful. I just had to give it some time lol. I don't like it big things time if people haven't learned that by now. So to...

Things here won't ever get better.  There is nothing I can do or communicate to make things better for me or anyone else. I'm officially giving up. I'm no longer planning a conversation to have with Andrea, Chris or anyone else. I'm gonna keep my head down, find a new job and leave without a word being said. 

Here's how my morning started: We're going to have a call with Vantage tomorrow morning. We're getting switched to a new banking platform and it may or may not cause issues. We're gonna be guinea pigs yadda yadda Because I'm me and none of that sounds good, I asked follow up questions. One of them was "why are we being chosen to switch platforms especially if it comes with the risk of messing up ACHs or anything else" Andrea said she didn't know. And I should have known when she doubled back to explain she'll add me on the email and I can ask my questions to the Banker (because she didn't think to ask any of that and she didn't have answers for me) and that I work in the platform more than she does, so I'll be a part of the call. She just forwarded me another email from the Banker and guess what it says in the first line????? Thanks for AGREEING TO PARTICIPATE  BITCH YOU FUCKING SIGNED UP FOR THIS SHIT, KNOWING WHAT THE RISKS WERE???? T...

I do not trust you.  I will never know if I ever should have and it's taken so much effort in me to not overanalyze and throw this entire working and personal relationship away.  But I have analyzed the way you have manuevered around this Whitney situation and it is more upsetting to me than I imagined and that's mostly due to you.  I feel like you have allowed your ineptitude to fuel your fear of your employers and it has led to the hole in this company you blame on everyone else. It seems to block your ability to listen, you overcompensate to your own demise, and you cannot lead because you simply don't want to. You avoid conflict because you don't want to disturb the safety net you depend on.  You do not want to affect change but you love when I or Tatum do it because it requires nothing but an approval from you, yet you take all the credit for it because it makes you look good.  You have not supported me in so many areas of my work and I don't think I ever w...

I was right to be afraid of my 5 year anniversary. I'm applying for jobs as of today. I've had enough and I'm over it. ~ We are never going to see eye to eye and I'm done trying.  I have nothing more to give without the risk of becoming more resentful than I already am.