therapy homework - purge

I do not trust you. 

I will never know if I ever should have and it's taken so much effort in me to not overanalyze and throw this entire working and personal relationship away. 

But I have analyzed the way you have manuevered around this Whitney situation and it is more upsetting to me than I imagined and that's mostly due to you. 

I feel like you have allowed your ineptitude to fuel your fear of your employers and it has led to the hole in this company you blame on everyone else.

It seems to block your ability to listen, you overcompensate to your own demise, and you cannot lead because you simply don't want to.

You avoid conflict because you don't want to disturb the safety net you depend on. 

You do not want to affect change but you love when I or Tatum do it because it requires nothing but an approval from you, yet you take all the credit for it because it makes you look good. 

You have not supported me in so many areas of my work and I don't think I ever would have noticed had you not abandoned me in this situation with Whitney.

Go fuck yourself. 

I've done nothing but try to help you at every  single fucking turn and I have said more than once that I would go to bat for you. And that's JUST the professional side of things. 

~

And I am OVER trying to figure out whether or not you care because that is not your driving force when it comes to affecting chang. 

You are comfortable and any change that challenges your comfort, is change that you will incessently avoid because change isn't important to you if it threatens your comfort, no matter how necessary it is.

~

I don't trust you. 

When I needed you to show up the way you do in the shadows, you show up with determination to sweep conflict under the rug so you aren't required to do anything additional.

When you were adamant about Whitney being difficult to work with from your personal experience to when you were helping me compose emails to respond to her as best as possible. But, after persisting I push past my valid hesitation, you cowered when it came time for you to meet with her. Not once, but twice. And the second time, I still don't know that you planned on telling me. Instead, I found out because you used me in your lie to avoid meeting with her and I had to back up your lie.

~

I'm convinced that you do not prioritize things going well because your actions say you prioritize things going well for you, often times with little to know exertion from you.

On the day I was still winding down emotionally and mentally from an exhausting experience of chasing my tail, I thought you were respecting my signs to not want to be bothered. That was, until you asked if I was busy, once while I was working and a second time on my way out. 

Turns out, you just had personal issues you wanted my help with.

That was a blow to my worth at this company and my worth in our friendship. Because to me, that screamed "I can't help you with your work issues and I often ignore your opinions where that's concerned, but help me with my personal issues"

That, to me says, "you're not worth me making noise when you need help and I don't care to fix anything that may be wrong in this department" but on the same token I'm good enough to help you navigate personal conflict.

So what is it? A ploy for pity while you abandon me with no where to go for help?

~

I may have Imposter Syndrome but I am fully aware of what's hiding beneath that.

I know what I bring to the table. I expected my skills to be invaluable but I did not expect you to take advantage of me.

~

You have disappointed me in so many ways.

Taking credit for my ideas, failing to double-check my work but getting on to me about it, being a talisman for Whitney's ideas without being honest about it, making judgment calls on my interactions with Whitney to me without having read emails in their entirety and not considering the role you played in helping me compose those emails, undermining me to Whitney to "diffuse the situation" in lieu of being honest. 

~

You don't trust your own judgement and it is exhausting to depend on someone I have to constantly prop up because they can't depend on themselves.

So I've stopped trying. 

I not going to keep trying to make you listen, directing you on how to beat do your job, helping you navigate your personal life, giving you ideas that you pass off as your own, and listening to you complain about the shit you will absolutely never do shit about.