crying in bed

I'm trying to fall asleep but I can't.

I fell asleep in my chair and woke up around 1an. 

And I got in bed, got cozy, and started feeling sad so I closed my eyes after I shut down all the things. 

And all I can see is her during our last in person interaction. 

Where she worked out next to me and I let it happen because she was keeping to herself. 

That's a lie. She wasn't. 

I'd been trying to ignore her but she'd kept trying to find small ways to get my attention. 

And finally, right before part of our workout, she waited until my back was turned and asked me how I was doing. 

The very thing I specifically asked her not to do. The very thing I told her confused me because it makes me feel like she's interested, she did.

She purposely did that and she knew what she was saying and what that meant to me. 

And she did it anyway. 

And now I'm being haunted by what we shared, what she refused to let go of, what she forced me to do. 

I know she feels the same way. 

What I don't know is how she can feel it-- this and never do anything about it.

~

Then I just get on Facebook and the first thing I see is a relationship announcement. 

Fuck this shit. 

I bet she's not losing any sleep over this. I bet she's not crying still. I bet she's not obsessively thinking about me, about us. 

She's moved on. Why the fuck can't I?

I feel like such a sad fucking idiot. 

I just want it to stop. I want it to stop. 

~

I did all this work. I did all this work on myself just to end up with no family, no gym, more trust issues, wanting to maybe quit my job. 

So do I just not get to have a happy ending?

I don't get to keep real joy? Real love? Real intimacy?

Am I being punished?

I'm not having fun. This is not fun. I'm not ok.

I am not ok. 

~

I've now been full fledged crying.

I should be asleep. 

~

I think I'm depressed. 

The other day I had a thought that I don't think I journalled. 

I had a few moments off and on over the past few weeks where I felt like I felt during the pandemic. But I wasn't computing it correctly. I just kept thinking "why does this feel like the pandemic" or "this reminds me of the pandemic"

I think my mind has been trying to tell me I'm depressed by soft launching the announcement in subtext.

And the crying has only heightened those feelings. 

~

It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all

Or whatever the fuck they said. 

Newsflash: bullshit. Go fuck yourself. 

~

I cannot stop crying. I can't sleep. I can't hate her enough to lullaby myself to sleep. 

I just keep thinking about how we can never be together.  

It's never gonna happen.

I should have never done this. I should have never trusted her. I wish I never felt safe enough to trust her. 

She's not safe and I don't know that she ever was. 

~

Why is this happening now? Right now?!

Why today?

I just want to sleep. 

~

What is wrong with me?

~

I'm taking another gummy. I want to sleep. Not cry all fucking morning until the sun comes up.