stressed bad

I have been stressed since Thursday night.  

Saturday was okay cuz I have to Hibachi for Lacey's birthday heard her triplet sisters. Her and one of her triplet sisters. But I've been stressing Thursday I had so much s*** to do that week arguing with Whitney all f****** day she's been getting on my nerves and going up my ass and it's been pissing me off to have to talk down and push away a grown ass woman. And I knew I had all that stuff to do that weekend so I've been stressed up until that point. Cuz I didn't know what my routine was going to look like and my schedule is going to look everyday so I was worried every day. And then cabbie cried a lot and then she would fall asleep and then she would want and then she want to play but then she didn't want to play and Nola was scared of her and it was a whole thing. I will say I didn't watch a really good movie called not my fault London or something like that real sexy real cute real steamy romance type deal. Also forbidden romance step brother step sister situation. 

But I didn't realize it over the weekend I might have been ignoring it but my edibles I knew my edibles weren't working but I didn't realize why until after I stop ignoring it and looked at the actual issue. I paid off on my credit cards with my tax refund that was fun. But not really cuz I was mad at my mother because I shouldn't have to pay that f****** money to begin with all those years ago and I'd already had to pay extra cuz of the whole thing and I was I was just pissed. 

But my edibles didn't work this weekend like a new I was high and should be driving but I was not so high that things felt unnatural I just knew I was not sober. It's almost like when you know your tipsy but you're not super drunk but tipsy also feels kind of normal. It was so bad that for 420 I was already behind schedule didn't know what my day was going to look like already upset about that but then I got to my house got things done I got ready to get high I poured myself three drinks with my tincture in it and nothing happened. I went and took a regular edible I think it was 10 mg maybe. I took two of those within an hour nothing happened. I poured another heavier drink with my tincture and I started to feel a little bit of something. And it was enough to like have a giggle and have fun but it wasn't a crazy amount. 

And as I'm typing this I can feel myself getting high because it's relieving the stress level in my body. I'm still not super high I'm just floating. But tonight I pour myself a drink I haven't I started drinking it but I haven't drink a lot of it yet. I took my night time coming so that is what's kicking in. But I had to have at least 25 mg yesterday and it wasn't all that crazy. That usually would make me feel like I might die and I just felt giddy. 

So the top that off and why I'm not getting as high as I should be right now Andrea's dad died on Saturday. As I'm drunk sitting at Lacey's party while we all chill out before cake I get the text. I immediately go oh s*** oh my god oh no. 

So I'm at work today I'm going to be off tomorrow so I'm trying to get all this stuff done cuz Amex is due texting to be done new higher orientation needs to happen and guess who's doing all that. Also I'm doing my job and emailing people praying checks in real time getting with Jen so she could do the check things texting Andrea her questions calling DocuSign and figure out what the f*** they're calling us for etc etc etc. And I didn't leave there until 6:00 and I still didn't get what I wanted to get done. I guess I say I still didn't get what I all I wanted to get done. And just as I was getting ready to go I checked the HR email cuz I thought I was going to do some commissions but I didn't really see much in there and then I saw an email from Tatum that said she is not coming back to work because she wants to spend this time with her baby but also we would like to have her for part-time she would do that. That's confusing but also like f****** Yudy just asked me today if Tatum's come back and I was like oh yeah she's coming back she's been here next month.

Tatum's not coming back probably and I'm on my own this week me and Jan thank god. I don't make enough money to begin with to be supporting eight offices and two people directly. And now I'm going back to where I started when I didn't even want to be accounting only I wanted to be HR and I made that known look what happened. 

And I feel like this all circles back to outside the death that has nothing to do with me and that is sad and I'm not taking anything away from that. But all the other things it is a culmination of what I've been telling my therapist that has been stressing me for the past few months people don't f****** listen to me when I say things and then I end up being the one in the position to fix everything or bear the brunt of getting things done all because no one wanted to listen to me. 

That's where I'm at and my car scares me because I think it might breaks down break down on an internet and I can't even get the words out. I'm done I'm going to sit here and watch hacks and see if I can get any higher before I go to bed tonight cuz I don't have to go to work tomorrow because I'm not going to work tomorrow because I took PTO to grieve the loss of my volunteer program. So hopefully I'm able to enjoy that we'll see what happens