brokenhearted pt 2

I don't think she'll ever truly choose herself. 

And I'm starting to think the only reason she truly went to therapy was because her gym and her life were falling apart. 

And more and more I'm starting to believe she believes whatever lie about me she's selling or telling. 

And while I love her and would love to love her. 

I don't think she loves me nor do I think she'd ever want to really.

She just wanted me however she could get me. Then she disregarded me as if it was like breathing.

She'll never come out of hiding and I don't know that it's best for me if she does. Because she seems more comfortable and fine with where she's at.

She's a coach. She's a gym owner. She's a girlfriend. She's a dog mom. 

But she's not herself. 

~

I've been struggling since Friday with going to her page. I made the choice to go today. 

Absolutely nothing about her life has seemed to change over the past year. 

It's sad and it sucks.

I would've loved to keep even a "hi and bye" relationship with her and I hate that she wouldn't let me.

It made me feel worthless the way she lied to me and abandoned me to save herself when all I tried to do was save the both of us.

She made it very clear that given the chance, she'd leave me by myself, bury me in lies, and plant a flower of herself to grow from my heartbreak.

She never dug me up. She'll never dig me up.

She didn't want to and she still doesn't.

~

And I still think she's hot. 

Was really hoping that would go away. 

And I really do want more for her, even if I'm never in the equation. 

It makes me even sadder to accept she may never experience more in her lifetime. 

~

I was thinking and I'd really hoped Candice would read my therapy page. 

Then I remembered that she blocked it. 

Then I got sad. 

Then I got really sad and started telling myself mean things I don't need to repeat. 

Then I remembered that when I blocked her, I also blocked the gym's 2 pages. 

And then I laughed because of course she'd do the same thing lol. 

And then I got sad because I was devastated when I saw she'd blocked me everywhere. She must have been tormented when I did that to her, without warning. And then I'd come to the gym as if I wouldn't see her or have to address it. And that's why she was there, waiting on me. 

That was her confronting me but she knew she couldn't confront me because "we weren't flirting or doing anything wrong".

And I took full advantage of that, without ever realizing. 

~

I must've really hurt her. 

We really hurt each other. 

And I'll never be able to tell her I'm sorry, in person. 

~

I really fucking tried with her. I really did. 

I did have poor reactions to somethings but I really tried. 

It just didn't matter. It didn't work. 

Maybe neither of us are capable of being happy in a relationship. 

~

Dylan got me a weighted blanket (I know, long story lol).

Ohmygah I love it. And I put it on my chest and guuuuuuuurl it feels like the best kind of pressure on my chest. 

And she picked a GREAT material. I like being cold and these is like poly-cotton sorta. Very smooth like a cotton sheet and not all fuzzy and hot. 

~

I wanted you to be the first one to touch me. The first one to feel my skin's chill from your nearness. The first one to place your palms against my inner thighs. The first one to pull a scream from me as my body lights up from pleasure. The first to watch my ascension, as you tease me to the point of jolting.