wow

Today was a little surprising to say the least in a good way kind of. A little bit running behind for work for my liking because I don't want to be there and I went in and I'm still very much on the train of doing my job to go home. Today Andrea was struggling because now she's in a hot seat she is confused and doesn't understand and doesn't like and wishes and all these things that she likes to complain about and I usually would join her because I thought we were working on a solution together but now I understand that's not the case I'm not doing that anymore. And I don't mean dramatic as a kind of sending term I mean it in what it means it was dramatic and it was her feelings and it wasn't invalid it's just that how many times I can't do that. So that's me was dramatic because I understand the other side of that is her decision should not take action. So I was proud of myself in that moment because she was exactly where I have been and expected something from me and I had nothing to give. And I was okay with giving nothing.

I did have to hold back on trying to solve problems because I'm a problem solver but I kept in mind that I'm doing my job is this my job or is this her job whose job is it. And then I went to EMDR after I did pickups which is fine cuz I enjoy seeing people and people enjoy seeing me.

But EMDR is why I'm here.

I just made it home I'm loving again and I am preparing myself for the night time routine it's already getting late cuz I came home late so hang out with friends tonight.

So emdr. I wouldn't really happy because I was proud of myself for all the work I done and where I landed on how I wanted to show up as an employee moving forward until I find your job or graduated get a new job. What caught me by surprise is the way she used my growth to check in on other things that we never discussed and may need processing 

She's really f****** good of her job 

But she asked me to some things here and there about like what makes me shy because I told her I don't want to do in person classes because I'm nervous to be around in a room full of people that I don't know so we made a note to work on that. And then she asked me for like the second or third time if there was anything else going on and I finally bit the bullet and bring it into my I don't want to talk about this but I'm going to talk about this rambling to tell her that Candice had gone on a break with her girlfriend and my friends had talked about it in front of me without telling me telling me. And I was at the end of May and I just kept hurting like because when all this is going on with Candice my thing with Britney was it's not real until it's real to keep me from so keep me present and keep me from freaking out about things that may or may not have happened or will happen. So in doing that but snuck up on me was Kenneth is breaking up with her girlfriend and I told Melina that too that might be surrounding that she was leaning on like well like you have to worry about that because you know what unhealthy looks like and you'll be fine and I finally after trying to find a way to tell her several times she was like no but you know it unhealthy looks like good it's not that I don't want you to worry about that but don't let that stress you out terribly because based on where I'm sitting you can identify that and move on be okay cuz that's what you have been doing over the past few months and since I've been working with you. 

And as she was writing down some notes about the possible cognitions that one and the other one I finally said it. 

And this is me crying at this point and I'm supposed to be getting ready to go and I'm losing it. Because it's hard to say out loud and I told her that and I'm trying not to cry right now.

So I told her that I'm not afraid that I can't take care of myself in that way. I'm afraid that because Candice has felt that safe as I've ever felt in my life even with all the s*** that was going on I'm not saying that that was not s***** and should not have concern to me I should not have been upset about it what I am saying is giving all that happened Candice was a safe space for me is a person I've ever felt seen in my life and all these things. I didn't tell her that the statement was just more straightforward LOL 

I just said I'm afraid that is what we had or what we have if anything does happen turns out to be good I'm terrified that I'm going to ruin that or I'm going to run away from it. 

And I can see it recognize I could see the moment she recognized what I was saying for what it was and it clicked so fast I know I didn't have to say anything else. 

And she went from talking me down to calming me down. And she was like we're going to work on that that's something we can work on. And now I'm going to cry. She's like I think it has something to do with you feeling shy and not going to be around people because you're concerned about your safety and I said yes. I said because made me feel safe if that is real and that continues if that pics back up and turned out to be something good I'm terrified that I don't know what to do in that situation and I'm going to throw all my work away. 

And she was like we can work on that whenever you're ready. Whenever you want to come in and say today's the day I want to do that that's what we're going to do that day. And she's like we can process this feelings. Which made me feel a lot better and she did tell me something else to do in the meantime but I'm not remembering right now but it was also very oh I remember 

Cuz I was telling her like I know that nothing has happened yet and I know that nothing it's not guarantee that anything will come of it but I know what I feel like might happen and I know what could happen. And I'm really worried 

And her advice to me was if you ever feel like you're getting to a place where you want to run or you want to do something to self-sabotage you reach out to me or you reach out to Britney and tell us so we can help you. 

She said we could help you with that. I don't want you to have to basically worry about that because you have help. Just a matter of reaching out to us. 

So I was counting myself back down call me not counting crying and doing voice to text is really hard. I was calling myself back down and she was talking and I could see her watching me fall apart and realizing how much all this means to me and why I came in the first place 

I came here because of Candice yes but it wasn't because she'd upset me. It's because she triggered me and I knew I was not having I knew I was not handling a lot of that really well I don't know what's wrong with me I don't know I don't know why I had all these reactions today it was happening is that like dealings with her were hijacking my life. Cuz I was making choices in the way I handled things with her to push her away well that was not good for me I know it was not good for her and it was like I don't that didn't say this but my concern is it's not that she doesn't feel safe enough it's I don't know if I'm ever going to feel safe enough and I know that's not anybody else's responsibility that's only mine don't ruin a relationship with her if that's on the table because I didn't do what I was supposed to do to take care of myself okay if we weren't meant to be together have fun somebody else or she events of any of those we both have our own separately happily ever after I don't think I'm going to be okay if I get a chance to have something special with her and I'm the person that ruins it I don't think that cover from that again I don't want to hurt myself I don't want to hurt her again and all this is still just conjecture and conversation and whatnot but the feelings are real even if nothing has happened directly to me all the feelings is dredging up are real and valid. 

So that was my pics of Discovery today because I never really said that out loud in that way I've only ever hinted around it I've never walked right into that fire and it's it's scary. 

I got a lot of work to make sure I am in charge of my life but that's also my worst fear that I'm going to be in charge of my life and I'm going to f*** it up bad. I'm really trying to take better care of myself for myself and for the people around me. 

So that was today's real wow moment

Because as soon as we finish talking but I finished talking about it and she finished wrapping up I kind of like whip myself together and I was like I didn't expect that to be like that I didn't think it would be that upsetting but I also I've never said that out loud and I still haven't been able to say how I feel about her and therapy because it's terrifying and I don't want to be scared so I just keep it inside because I told Malaina today I felt like if I don't say it it's not real.

If I don't say it it does not become a reality and once I say it and put it out there it's out there and that is the truth whether I like it or not but if I can keep it shut in and buried somewhere I don't have to deal with it saying it out loud makes it real because I have to then address it and that's what I've been running from and there's no way to run but I'm honest with myself and the people around me and that to me is terrifying 

Today I thought register on her face that this is not just some girl who hurt me. This is a big deal to me and it really means a lot to me and that's why I'm in EMDR I'm not there to get over Candice I'm there to work through what happened so I don't do that again 

I don't want to make that mistake again I want to be better and do better that's why I'm in therapy so I'm hopeful on that front and hopeful because she reminded me of something I did not consider in the fact that I'm not on my own 

No I get that and I know that. But it is also and that I can depend on people and then I am safe because I've had more of my life where that was not the case that I have where it is and I struggle a lot on that front. 

So I just had a really emotional weekend and not in a bad way I was just so happy to be surrounded these people that really enjoy my company and they're nice and sweet and all these things

And if you have to say goodbye to one of them and I know is that forever but it did really hurt my feelings because I just got here and I don't want to deal with moving away. And that's a part of me around looks like I don't I don't understand why people flock to me. 

I am broken like all of us are in some way and I'm just trying to do my best to make the most of what I have and sometimes it's good sometimes it's really f****** hard but I do have more good days than I do hard ones now. And now the heart was that I have are because I'm saying no to things that would have made my life miserable. 

But her telling me that I don't have to worry about tanking my happiness because I have their support meant a lot to me cuz I didn't think about that part just got really scared because I know what I'm capable of and I don't want to do that