what living looks like

I told my therapist about my work struggles and the different dynamics, etc and she fully understands it all.  How confusing, shitty, sometimes nice, often convoluted, etc etc etc everything is. And she had the same conclusion as me in regards to my department with Andrea. She said two things that stick out. After I explained the dynamic in my department she said, "It sounds to me like you're doing the brunt of the work and taken on some of her role as well" and I said "yes". And later on she said "well, I was going to say you can support her in her attempts to do her job but that's not your job. It's hers"  For context sake, she's referring to me helping her in aspects that are solely her job that she takes full credit for and I should not be doing.  Because I said later on that "I was doing that and I got irritated because I cannot have another codependent relationship" and she said "yes! It sounds like you are looking at t...

Andrea is back and irritated that Tatum quit.  And fair. But she did not share that there was anything other than irritation there which concerns me. Because I was irritated and felt abandoned but I get it. My only concern is that her baby daddy is trying to drag her back to the country or that he's illequipped and ill-prepared. Or that she doesn't have a daycare and that's how Jaycee got let go. 

Fuck everything.  I cannot wait to be at Book Club. I cannot wait to sit on my car and just I need a break, a better working environment, better ACTUAL recognition. I'm fucking exhausted mentally and I feel like this job is an extension of my fucked up family dynamic.  Just like Candice, just like Brea, just like Andrea.  I am unwell and just trying to keep my head on straight and now the Internet is down and I have SO MUCH SHIT TO DO.  ~ Our Internet is still down. FML 

I can't write. I'm crying and freaking out.  I'm sitting on my bathroom floor crying.  I deserve better than I have. I want more.  ~ I can't write what I feel because it nak

I have been stressed since Thursday night.   Saturday was okay cuz I have to Hibachi for Lacey's birthday heard her triplet sisters. Her and one of her triplet sisters. But I've been stressing Thursday I had so much s*** to do that week arguing with Whitney all f****** day she's been getting on my nerves and going up my ass and it's been pissing me off to have to talk down and push away a grown ass woman. And I knew I had all that stuff to do that weekend so I've been stressed up until that point. Cuz I didn't know what my routine was going to look like and my schedule is going to look everyday so I was worried every day. And then cabbie cried a lot and then she would fall asleep and then she would want and then she want to play but then she didn't want to play and Nola was scared of her and it was a whole thing. I will say I didn't watch a really good movie called not my fault London or something like that real sexy real cute real steamy romance type de...

I don't know that I ever want to be in love again. I chose to sacrifice my safe space for someone who couldn't even give me space no matter how much I begged.  And I love her.  And she'd rather abandon me, exile me, move in with her girlfriend, and pretend nothing happened than take a second to consider me. That guy that hit on me? Never heard from him.  What the fuck is it? What is it about me that eeeeeeeeveryone loves me and people seem to be attracted to me but no one wants to be on love with me.  Although I would choose to be alone forever before I'd choose to be with just anyone, I don't think I even have a choice in the matter. Everyone wants me until I don't know what. I'm just really sad and although I no longer feel stuck to Candice, and I logically understand what may have happened, I still feel like her garbage.  She threw me away and never looked back.  She'd prefer to posture and pretend to doing any real work.  Or maybe she never felt an...

But nothing has changed, there's nothing I can do BUT I did get a Womanizer this week soooooo I can make myself squirt without the stress that comes with dealing with Candice and her inability to see herself and put herself first.  And if I pass out from cumming, it will automatically turn off.  I went to her Instagram and her pictures gave never done her justice. And now I am forget what she looks like in person.  So I'm gonna shower, cum, and go to sleep.

This president is ruining our country and people are just letting him.  They either want it because they're in the 1%, because they don't want to cop to being wrong, they believe the bullshit he says is true, they're ignoring all of the fires he's started, and/or they truly have no concept of how government works.  And the ones who have no idea how government works and still support him are, by far, the worst.  ~ And I have my car back which makes me happy. But the car people kept it for over a week because "they couldn't reach me". Somehow they had my dad's info listed on their paperwork, after talking to me, and State Farm. And apparently so did Enterprise.  And a small part of me was hoping that maybe my family paid to get me car fixed, all the issues they don't even know I have. That was until my transmission slipped this morning.  ~ And more raises are being given out. More people are making close to what I make and they only support one offic...

I overslept a little to get some extra sleep lol. I thought I was gonna be late but then I remembered they may change the time. So I reached out to Andrea to check and she responded and said the time is the same. Then my phone froze and I missed my turn and the turn I took was blocked off for IDK why. So I safely jetted this way after turning around, she said the time is the same. No one is here. No one. I'm the first one parked. It's 11 minutes passed time, so I'm just gonna go walk I guess and then go home.  And I left my headphones.  ~ It's Tuesday and I'm back because I forgot to update this. I forgot I'd changed my calendar to be 8 am because we thought it was gonna be hot.  I saw them as I was leaving because it was cold and the regular time is 9 not 8. But I was half asleep and didn't put that together lol. 

I started working out again and my dreams are weird and I'm remembering stuff about Candice that feels real.  ~ I dreamed Aaron Pierre was my boyfriend and he was abusive. I kept giving hints to friends to help me, I kept lying to him to postpone the abuse so I could come up with a plan.  I tried to get strangers involved to intervene. I even met Julia Roberts and forced her politely to take my phone and I ran off. That way I could tell my boyfriend that I lost my phone and would need to find it before we go home.  And at one point, it was like I was out running something in public. Ah! It was my friends. I was talking over them so they wouldn't say things I did with them that might trigger him and I even fully avoided others I didn't think would get the hint.  And when he asked me why things were weird or something (because he was fine as fuck in my dream) I seduced him and told him I wanted to fuck him in public and I would do anything he liked that night if he let...

Back at work today after processing in EMDR yesterday. This is gonna be my dump file.  Troy wants to change the way we handle company loans. So I asked if we needed to update management on the policy and Andrea did the same thing they all do-- made a unilateral decision based on her personal stance. So we now have a policy change that no one knows about and will put more interruptions on us when people start asking.  Andrea had to let Ashley go. She hasn't shown up to work all week since Patricia talked to her because she's been "sick". I told her my opinion-- Ashley's really sweet, and based on her reaction to Patricia's talk saying that she knows she's not good at her job and the fact that she was really funny about it, she's probably hiding out. She probably has a bruised ego because she knows how bad she is, she was finally talked to about it, so she's just staying home and using a little PTO because she knows what's coming next. And she...