what living looks like

And I don't want to get out of bed.  ~ Austin left his fiance.  I was right and I only mean that in a celebratory "thank God he got out". I was hopeful that being in Louisiana, around kind people and fine ass, bad ass women, he would wake up.  And he stayed in therapy, he had the conversation with her, and he left.  He did it. And he verbalized everything that everyone had been thinking. 

Today was great.  Run was great. But I walked with Andrea, Jesus, and Laura. Me and Laura walked around downtown together and she took photos of me. I hate photos but I chose to do this because I really wanted to. AND I wasn't as uncomfortable as I usually am. Oh! And the run group was led by Bill on a secret underground spy mission lolol. It was fun! Anyways, I'm here because I'm freaking out because Jordan was sending the group pictures and videos from yesterday AAAAAAAAAND Grant sent us this: CANDICE GOES TO BRUNCH? I mean, I know we had breakfast together that was basically brunch but I highly doubt Grant was at a basic brunch.  ~ I WAS ALMOST AT THAT BRUNCH 💀💀 GRANT BROUGHT IT UP YESTERDAY and I bowed out to run and hang out with Laura. 

I went with Dylan to Maggie's today and then came to meet Grant for a day of funs. I learned Candice did a No Shower Happy Hour there this past Friday. She's doing a looooot more of those AND what are the chances. ~ I really have friends and that's crazy to me. Also, my hair pulling is getting worse and I don't know what to do with my hair. I'm scared to redo it and I can't find someone who can keep it done so I finally ordered the habit breaker bracelet. Also, I think Andrea lied about why she's not working at BAMO. The more I lose trust, the more I begin to question. 

I updated my resume and I do a loooooot of work and don't make nearly enough money to compensate for it.  I'm not perfect by any means but I run circles around Rochelle, I manage Jan, I'll start managing Tatum soon, I was also co-managing Hannah with Tatum, and I have done so much towards the betterment of our record keeping, our presence among each office, and the way we operate using different systems I have improved and/or created.  I updated my resume on LinkedIn and this weekend I'm gonna start posting it.  ~ Andrea came in today.  I was thinking she was coming in because I have a meeting with my advisor (which was still a little annoying) but no.  She has a hair appointment.  ~ I'm off a few days next week for my birthday. Andrea approved that PTO and it's my birthday. At this company, you get your birthday off. I asked Andrea if she wanted anything from Taco Bell. And she said no but a long answer. And then she said isnt there one close by and I said...

I'm not going to stop standing up for myself at work, especially in this office. Whitney sent an update on the reports (that she hadn't been working on but actively lied about). While she was updating me, she Cc'd Andrea to update her on a report she doesn't know is for me. And because Andrea presented her with something I didn't ask her to AND ignored what I did ask for, I went ahead and requested it myself and, like magic, I got exactly what I wanted.  AND ANDREA REPSONDED IN BETWEEN OUR CONVERSATION TO THE WRONG EMAIL.  I emailed Whitney to thank her and offer up an alternative that may work. She responded with details and a copy of the report as a test. Andrea responded to my response to Whitney with a very excited tone without saying much. She just said that it's great news, and we can work out the kinks (and by we she means me) and she understands the issue. Well thanks for completely ignoring what I offered as a solution in response to said offered soluti...

Another day where I'm grateful to be alive and employed and I'm not excited to go to work.  And guess who texted me about being sick...even though I just saw her yesterday. We're already down a person, I'm having trouble with Whitney, and I already feel like people depend on me more than her, and I'm gonna be alone at work again.  ~ She acosted Patricia yesterday 🫠. She texted me a screenshot of their email chain and it made no sense to me. And I was checking the email this morning and saw Patricia's response to my email. I laughed and went to see what Andrea replied and her response doesn't match the tone of Patricia's. Knowing Patricia, I know she meant that in jest. Andrea responded in a way that basically was bowing up to her.  ~ Andrea is grasping at straws and I am not sure why but it's concerning to say the least.  Aaaaaaand she just responded to an email regarding an overpayment issue Kim was supposed to be looking into because it's on t...

I woke up from a good sleep, not wanting to come in to work. Still. Again.  Andrea took off yesterday for "stomach issues" aka the hemroid she has because she doesn't eat right and her body is pissed. I get Nola out of bed, light my candle, get my tunes going, aaaaaaand I get this text from the sister under me:  Hey ____. I was wondering if you would be a bridesmaid in my wedding? Please Aaaaaaand during the anniversary of the worst summer of my life, where she had a minor role, she's back a year later to ask me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. Mind you, she was single when I left. Not that she couldn't find the love of her life in that time but I know she also couldn't smell my mother from a mile away and she was just getting started as my replacement. So either she somehow found the love of her life or she's jumping into a committed relationship to get out of the house and away from my mother OR my mother convinced her to make this decision and also as...

I am drunk.  I still love Candice. She's definitely still trapped in her relationship (but that's her choice).  I told Lacey , Camille and Kaylin about Candice crying in front of her girlfriend and her girlfriend laughing at her because they were rightfully shitting on her and saying that she was obviously into me, given their personal experience. I love her.  And I love my friends.  So much.  I'm really trying and my efforts are showing.  I wish Candice wanted and worked towards more for herself.  Kaylin and Mia invited her to play soccer and that made me happy. She said they'd have to ask "the boss" aka her girlfriend if she could play soccer. And when Kaylin told her they made special arrangements for her to join them, she was shocked. And Kaylin was shocked that she was shocked. And I was like yeah, no. That's Candice . Did she do a shitty thing? Yes. But she's paid her penance and she's trapped in her own life. And I told them that.  I also t...

05.08.25 I want off this ride. Andrea had ONE half ass conversation with Whitney who did EXACTLY what I said she'd do (posture) and she's all "I feel like this will be great. She admitted she knows she tends to overstep, and" blah blah fuck my life. She is so idealistic because she's conflict avoidant. And she keeps bringing up this "I just want us to be able to work together, no matter the personalities" Yes. You mean the same thing I have ALWAYS said.  05.09.25 Yesterday, I figured out that I'm in another Drama Triangle.  I never finished my entry because I was pissed.  Andrea came in this morning to tell me this brilliant idea she had and wanted my thoughts on. I kept politely finding ways to shoot it down and she was adamant about doing it. So once I pulled up what I was talking about she realized Whitney wasn't honest with her. I asked her to specify and I said "yeah, no. That's not what we discussed" Also, you know me. What th...

I don't think she'll ever truly choose herself.  And I'm starting to think the only reason she truly went to therapy was because her gym and her life were falling apart.  And more and more I'm starting to believe she believes whatever lie about me she's selling or telling.  And while I love her and would love to love her.  I don't think she loves me nor do I think she'd ever want to really. She just wanted me however she could get me. Then she disregarded me as if it was like breathing. She'll never come out of hiding and I don't know that it's best for me if she does. Because she seems more comfortable and fine with where she's at. She's a coach. She's a gym owner. She's a girlfriend. She's a dog mom.  But she's not herself.  ~ I've been struggling since Friday with going to her page. I made the choice to go today.  Absolutely nothing about her life has seemed to change over the past year.  It's sad and it sucks. ...

Especially at work.  And it's happening the same time of the year as the Candice thing.  I love her. I am still in love with her.  I think we both know that wasn't great but it was so good.  My relationship with her felt like gently rubbing noses, breathing slowly as if you might forget. The warmth of our skin floating between us, lips briefly meeting ever so slightly.