what living looks like

I want off this ride. Andrea had ONE half ass conversation with Whitney who did EXACTLY what I said she'd do (posture) and she's all "I feel like this will be great. She admitted she knows she tends to overstep, and" blah blah fuck my life. She is so idealistic because she's conflict avoidant. And she keeps bringing up this "I just want us to be able to work together, no matter the personalities" Yes. You mean the same thing I have ALWAYS said. 

I don't think she'll ever truly choose herself.  And I'm starting to think the only reason she truly went to therapy was because her gym and her life were falling apart.  And more and more I'm starting to believe she believes whatever lie about me she's selling or telling.  And while I love her and would love to love her.  I don't think she loves me nor do I think she'd ever want to really. She just wanted me however she could get me. Then she disregarded me as if it was like breathing. She'll never come out of hiding and I don't know that it's best for me if she does. Because she seems more comfortable and fine with where she's at. She's a coach. She's a gym owner. She's a girlfriend. She's a dog mom.  But she's not herself.  ~ I've been struggling since Friday with going to her page. I made the choice to go today.  Absolutely nothing about her life has seemed to change over the past year.  It's sad and it sucks. ...

Especially at work.  And it's happening the same time of the year as the Candice thing.  I love her. I am still in love with her.  I think we both know that wasn't great but it was so good.  My relationship with her felt like gently rubbing noses, breathing slowly as if you might forget. The warmth of our skin floating between us, lips briefly meeting ever so slightly.